The Gym

Oh my God - I hate the bloody gym. 

Everyone always says how fucking marvellous they feel after it - endorphins released and all that - blah blah blah. Well, I feel bloody dreadful. Exhausted, red-faced, sweaty and stinky. Genuinely, all that keeps me going is the thought of my skinny cappuccino and a twenty minute veg in the adult lounge (no kids, no noise, no packs of women gossiping - onto those another day...).

So I spend 30 minutes on the treadmill. Walking fast at a slight incline. It completely knackers me. I have to hold onto the bar in front of me so I don’t fall off - as I find it really hard to balance on it. Also, I am continually re-adjusting my gym top, as it seems to rise up as I am fast walking, so my enormous and decidedly flabby arse is exposed to all of those people who have the unfortunate position of exercising behind me. My camel-toe thankfully isn’t on display.... not a pretty sight.

Has anyone also observed how people seem to get incredibly competitive whilst on treadmills? Or cross-trainers for that matter... you notice your neighbour casually take a sneaky peek across at your machine control panel - God forbid you are going faster than them - as immediately they put their speed level up to beat you. I shout inside to myself “I don’t give a toot what you are doing! I’m just trying to get through the next 20 minutes of hell so I can get my skinny cap. “ Weirdos.... 

Another thing that amazes me is the stereotypes that frequent the gym. For example - you'll always find using the weights the “muscle man” - all tattoos and bulging biceps. Features that the youth of today find so attractive. But take the biceps and tats away - what you are left with is Mr Distinctly Average. If you ever watch “Take Me Out” - you’ll know exactly the type of man I am referring to - the love-lift comes down - to reveal loafers (no socks), tight jeans, huge thighs, unbuttoned short-sleeve skin-tight white shirt.... Tanned tattooed biceps. And gyrating hips. The women go wild - But I’m screaming at the tv “Look at the face! Look at the face! Decidedly average - if not totally minging !!! I just don’t get it. But they all leave their lights on....bloody idiots.

It's fair to say my favourite time at the gym is when I’m leaving. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than skipping out of that front door, whilst passing some poor sod on their way in! Haha! Happy Monday everyone!!