Selfish Parking

Selfish people really piss me off. They think they are so much more important than everyone else and simply don’t give a shit about anyone other than themselves. The older I get, it seems to me that more and more people turn out to be selfish arseholes.

I have to admit that ‘selfish parking’ comes at the top of my “piss me off list” - and from observation - it is normally the female species who are the worst offenders. This is possibly because I see a great deal of selfish parking at school drop-off and pick-up (which let’s face it - is predominantly done by mummies). 

The boy’s school, like most schools, has a huge problem regarding parking. The number of spaces is extremely limited. In order to get a parking spot, you really have to get there 30 minutes before the end of the day. This is both good and bad for me - it allows me quiet time to write my blog (which I’m doing right now - good, but it’s also the time when I seem to put the most amount of shit into my mouth - chocolate bars, doughnuts, sweets - basically anything I have bought with me for the kids to scoff on the way home.... bad!

Anyway, back to selfish parking. I am usually able to get to school early enough to park up in one of the available spaces. It is only once all these spots are taken, that ‘project selfish parking’ takes off.

It starts by cars slowly and steadily circling the car park for a space, as if they are hawks hungrily eyeing up their prey. After their third or fourth attempt, when it’s clear no more spaces are available, the selfish gene raises its ugly head and they decide to park WHEREVER THE FUCK they like. Be it in the disabled bay, on the grass verge by the school path or even ON the path itself. Despite there being copious parking spaces off-site, in the neighbouring roads, they think sod it - after all, they don’t want to make their darling little cherubs have to actually walk anywhere. Cocks!

Yesterday afternoon, as I sat in my car (scoffing some Percy Pigs), I noticed “Silver Range Rover woman” drive through the school gates. She drove around the car park a couple of times before parking up right in front of my car. FFS! I was actually sat in my car and she still had the balls to drive up and block me in.

And then she sat there - bold as brass - on her phone (probably booking her weekly mani/pedi or next personal training session - you know the type). No jumping out and offering the common courtesy of “I’m sorry to block you in, please let me know if you need me to move...” No - her attitude was ‘Fuck You, I’m parking here as I’m far more important and you are basically the shit on my (Louboutin) shoe!”

You can imagine what happened next - of course, my boys were first out, so we were then stuck waiting for the selfish cow to return to her car with her snotty-nosed offspring.

So we sat... and we sat - and we waited - for 15 fucking minutes! When she finally returned, she gave me a broad smile and cheerfully mouthed “Sorry!” in my direction.

Well, of course, I absolutely lost it at that point. “You stupid selfish cow! So fucking lazy you can’t be arsed to park off-site and walk 5 fucking minutes to your car. No instead you’d rather block me in, you fat, ugly, selfish bitch!!” I yelled out loudly.

Silver Range Rover woman stood there, stock-still, staring at me in horror with her mouth wide open. Unfortunately what I hadn’t realised, was that Teddy had literally just done a really stinky fart, so had rolled down the back window...

At this point, I must admit I wanted the ground to swallow me up whole, but then I reminded myself that she was the selfish human, I just happened to be the one with the potty mouth.

Whatever -  clearly the rude language had hit a nerve. I have never seen her move so fucking quickly! She literally bundled her kid in the car and drove off like a shot... 

And it seems today that my potty mouth has had a lasting effect - I notice as I sit here that Silver Range Rover woman has arrived at school on foot!!!