Parent's Evening

So last night was Ben’s parents evening. I always approach these evenings with trepidation - ever since Ben’s parents evening in year 3. Year 3 was a disaster educationally wise for Ben. His teacher was a very pleasant lady (“pleasant” is my way of saying she was utterly shit - ineffective, unexciting, uninspiring, patronizing and very vanilla...).

As we sat down before her, she proceeded to tell us how Ben had not really made any progress during the year and that he was effectively struggling in all subjects. As she droned on about how he spent most lessons gazing out of the window, I turned to Tim in despair. It was then I realised I should have done more due diligence on picking my lifetime partner - Tim was himself was gazing out of the window, clearly paying no attention to what Mrs “Droney Voice” was saying. Fucking marvellous.

When I asked the teacher what we could maybe do to help Ben concentrate, she looked at me and gave me the most patronizing smile. It had an element of pity to it - clearly, in her mind, she had written Ben off - and her reply confirmed this. She simply sighed and then banged on about Ben just needing to grow up. “He’s fucking 8 years old! Maybe you could put a rocket up your arse - take a bit of responsibility, make your lessons a lot more interesting and whilst we’re at it, change your voice to become more enthusiastic, you monotone old cow!” .... Is what I wanted to say, but of course, didn’t.

As Tim and I left the hall in a somewhat-state of shock, I began to feel tears prick my eyes. Around me were parents chatting and laughing, clearly having been told their little darlings are excelling in all areas. I mean, it’s not like Tim and I are stupid. We are both lawyers (well, I was, until I gave up to concentrate on raising the kids) so one would have hoped we hadn’t raised complete imbeciles.

I often think though, it's strange how things work out - there are those parents who are thick as shit, yet they produce little brain boxes - again it’s the same where looks are concerned - parents ugly as sin producing the most gorgeous offspring - I mean, seriously, how does that happen?!!! Fucking genetics.

Anyway - parents evening for me is never that fun. Another thing about parents evening which drives me mad is the actual bloody parents.

At Ben’s school, all the teachers sit around on little desks in the school hall. There is a screen on the stage displaying a massive timer. Each teacher allocates a 5-minute meeting and when the 5 minutes is up - the timer gives out a loud ring. It is at this point that parents are supposed to stand up and move on. But a lot of them don’t. Because they are SELFISH ARSEHOLES. They are happy to eat into my 5 minutes and carry on chatting about their little darlings because clearly, their child is by far the most important person at the school. The headmaster even repeatedly shouts “move on folks”, but of course, this doesn’t apply to Mr and Mrs Selfish, as they are special.

Eventually, The “Selfishes” stand up and then have the audacity to smile at me. They’ve left me with just over a minute to find out about Ben and they expect me to exchange pleasantries. It goes without saying no such pleasantries are exchanged. Instead, I mutter under my breath “Cocks” as they pass me by.

The only thing that makes me smile is that Mr and Mrs Selfish are both stupid and ugly and so are their kids!!! Genetics actually came up trumps! Juvenile I know, but it makes me feel better!